25
Jul
2015
0

Cara’s voice

20150725-P1450415I’ve been wanting to write something like this for ages. But kept putting it off. An extra impetus came along when someone supplied this link to me: Writing to Heal. Not only can writing help with trauma but I was interested in the idea of taking other perspectives. I worry about Cara a lot. I finally got around to trying to write from her perspective tonight…

Kids’ memories are better than adults think. Actually, kids’ memories are just better than adults’. Tonight daddy gave me a cuddle in his bedroom. I asked if I could sleep in his bed tonight. I told him that there’d been two people sleeping in his bed once before. He could remember that it was the night after the storm that broke the windows in mine and Harry’s bedroom, but that was all he could remember. I had to remind him how he had made me put on my shoes before I went into my bedroom to choose a story to read. He didn’t remember that I had got “Billy’s Bucket” (because that’s daddy’s favourite book to read me) and he’d read that to Harry and I as we fell asleep. After I told him all that he’d forgotten he looked at me and said, “Cara, you remember everything from that night and it was 8 months ago. Do you remember much about the day mummy died it wasn’t long before that night? Do you think about it?”.

He asks me about that a lot. Well it feels like a lot. I remember every time he asks. It’s generally when we’re having a cuddle. I wish he wouldn’t do that. “Sooorrt of” I say. I think he can tell I mean yes, but he doesn’t make me say it. He tells me again that he knows it can’t have been a nice thing to see and that he knows from the police that I did everything I could, and that he loves me. 

I like to tell dad that I love him 500 gazillion and 30 thousand times to the moon and back. I make up a new really, really big number every time. I used to tell him, “but I love mummy 500 gazillion and 30 thousand and one times to the moon and back”. I don’t tell him that anymore. I just think it in my head sometimes. Not all the time, just sometimes. A bit like how I remember the day mummy died. Sometimes I think about it, sometimes not.

Daddy knows what happened. The police told him. I told him little bits. I remember telling him how mummy’s lips went blue and that she was really cold so I’d got a towel. I remember once telling him how if I’d gone for help sooner mummy would still be here. He didn’t think that was right. But he wasn’t there. He didn’t hear the sounds. Snorting, awful sounds. He wasn’t there when I tried to get her close to the edge. He wasn’t there when she moved again and somehow got close to the edge where I could get her head out of the water. He didn’t see her eyes. I remember telling daddy how I thought mummy said goodbye to me with her eyes. That made him cry.

So many things made daddy cry. I remember they took us into a room and daddy called grandma and pa and grandbob and gran. He called other people too, and then his phone would ring and everytime he would cry. I remember yelling at people to stop making him talk on the phone because it only made him cry. I yell too much. I know that, but I can’t help it. If I don’t yell how will the world hear me. Daddy doesn’t like it.

He hasn’t seen me cry at all, except for one day in a park not too long after mummy died. I was on a spinning thing and couldn’t get off. I got a real fright. All I wanted was to cuddle mummy and she wasn’t there. It’s the only time I’ve cried about mummy. Ok there was one other time at the movies, but I don’t think he noticed. I see tears in daddy’s eyes all the time. He tells me he misses mummy, I don’t really know what to say. I usually change the subject. There’s always something to talk to daddy about.

I got my hair cut today. Ellie cuts my hair. She’s been cutting it since I was three. I’m still shy and don’t talk to her much. I wonder why that is? She put my hair in braids; it looks really cool. When we got home I took photos of it on dad’s camera. He put the camera on the tripod to get a family photo for Harry’s birthday. I hope the braids still look good on Monday when I go to school. 

Jocy and Phoebe might be coming around tomorrow. Harry’s having some friends over for his birthday party. It should be fun. Today was a good day too. I beat dad at Uno in the morning at a coffee shop, had a nice time at home and helped him with the shopping – I had to make sure he got the right ice-creams for Harry’s birthday dinner tonight. We sang Harry happy birthday, and it was really funny because the back door was open and when we finished saying hip-hip-horary, the neighbours yelled out happy birthday too. We watched The Witches afterwards. I think it’s better than Matilda, but I like Matilda too.

I wonder when my friend Aimee will move house. I’m going to her place for her birthday on Wednesday. Jocy’s going too I think.

I remember the last time before this that daddy asked me if I think about mummy. It was before the last school holidays. I said yes that time. We were cuddling with Harry in the morning in his bed. I told him that it was good when mummy was here for these cuddles because Harry and I had one parent each. I remember folding my arms across my chest tightly and telling daddy softly that I was cuddling her now. He spooned me and whispered back that we were both cuddling her. That felt nice. After a little while I turned around to check – he wasn’t crying that time. 

I remember everything but there are things I’m scared I’ll forget and things I’m scared I’ll remember. 

Actually, daddy wrote that last sentence for me.

15 Responses

  1. Peter Jordan

    Love your awareness and attentiveness. May you continue to listen with your eyes, ears, feelings and cuddles. I vividly recall how much Mary and Cara enjoyed their cuddles. Lots of love, Peter

  2. cc

    I dont know cara, but my children are a similar age. I think she is very lucky to have such a perceptive father! She’s in good hands!

  3. Michelle

    These words moved me to tears Trent. Cara will read this when she’s older and it will help her to remember those times and her loving mum. She is a little girl bearing a great weight, but with the love and support of her devoted daddy I think she will be ok. xx

  4. Lainey Loveday-Riddle

    Trent, you are so wise to put these thoughts into words. I get emotional every time I read them, but it is lovely to see the way you are able to talk to the kids. They will appreciate this when they are older as well.

    1. Thanks Lainey. I hope that they appreciate it. I know that there must be some optimum. Some set of words or actions that will help them turn out ok, not just ok actually, better than ok! Stronger. It’s just that no one knows what that set of best actions or words are. So I try to keep looking and experimenting.

  5. Bob and Wendy

    Trent those wise, insightful thoughts of yours are very comforting and I know our beloved Mary would be sooo proud of you. We too sometimes wonder what is going through Cara’s head and what she is thinking of Mary. Thank you for sharing these writings as our tears as we read them does seem to wash away a small part of our grief. Thank you for being such a wonderful Dad to our precious Harry and Cara.

  6. Hunter Brownscombe

    Trent, you are a strong man. What lovely and heart felt words you have written. Mary will be so proud of you. You are often in my thoughts. Hunter

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